A challenging month

It’s been a challenging month. We (Ed, Sophia, and I) have been sick since Christmas eve with the cold. We were just getting over the cold the first week of January when it struck again. I couldn’t believe we got the cold twice in a row. We are just getting over the second one now. It’s so awful to have baby get sick. It’s not like she can blow her nose or clear her throat. Poor Sophia. And now I realize that getting sick takes on a whole new dimension because even when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and drink some Nyquil to knock myself out, I had to keep on breastfeeding and caring for a baby. It was a blessing that Ed was home for the holidays because at least, there was another person who can look after Sophia while I napped for an hour or two during the day. I’m so glad we’re all feeling better now and I am hoping that we don’t catch another bug.

Christmas was pretty low key for us. My brother and niece were visiting from Edmonton the week before Christmas and it was such a treat to be able to spend time with them. I’m glad we didn’t infect them too badly with our cold.

When I was still pregnant with Sophia, I told myself that I wouldn’t be an anxious mom. The thing I realized the month of December was this is way easier said than done. I let myself worry about this little thing and that little thing and before I knew it, I was one big ball of anxiety. My baby was sick, my milk supply was going away, none of my clothes fit me, my Christmas shopping wasn’t done yet, the Christmas cards were late, etc, etc, etc. There were moments when I found it hard to breathe because I was so tense with worry. My shoulders were constantly up to my ears. I was teary. Is this the post-partum blues people have been warning me about? Or am I just exhausted and sleep-deprived?

As the new year came around, I too started to come around. I reminded myself that life (and my maternity leave) is too short to be living this way. When I found my shoulders hunched up, I would stop and breathe deeply and consciously drop my shoulders to relax them. I began to identify what was making me feel anxious, just to help me make sense of what I was feeling. I stopped pretending that I was fine and started to open up to Ed and to friends about how I was feeling and the support I received helped ease the tension I felt inside. My close friend Lizza reminded me that Sophia can sense the energy I give off and I don’t want her feeding off my anxious energy. I want to enjoy this time that I have with her, but if I am full of worry how can there be room for joy? So, I am making room for joy by letting the anxiety go. A challenging task but I just need to focus on my happy, smiley baby Sophia. She’ll pull me through this.